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Rant time! Feel free to ignore this

im-whatsername:

For the most part, I like myself. I think I’m a fairly nice person, kinda funny, blah blah blah. But I fucking hate how anti-social I am. I hate that just getting invited somewhere triggers my anxiety. I feel terrible turning down invites because I feel like a bitch never hanging out with anyone,…

I think more people than you know understand this feeling. For the most part I bet people think I am a very outgoing, social person, but its a progression. Its tough in the world of the weekend warriors to ever feel normal turning down an opportunity to be social, but some times its necessary for your own personal well-being. If I am anywhere new, or with new people I feel overwhelmingly shy and monkey brained. Everything turns into a riddle with no right answer. All I can do is accept that I will be one just following everyone else because if I try anything at all, I will over think it and feel super embarrassed about myself for the rest of my night, or existence… Kind of a big sliding scale

Now as long as I keep going back and getting myself comfortable with that certain surrounding, those certain people, eventually I can get myself to a point where I actually am a part of the conversation, and not just catching the gist of it when I can find time between my own personal mind rambles. At this point I am happy, I have found new friends, I have found new places, and I feel comfortable; but its a progression. And as long as I know that I wont be that fly on the wall forever, I can accept it for now.

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